Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start to date any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I desire another man to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.
